Golf is undoubtedly a challenging game. Anybody who has ever played golf seriously can tell you that much.
It often leaves even the most emotionally disciplined people fuming and swearing after a lousy round. That's why golf jokes are so important!
After (or during) a poor round of golf, some funny golf jokes can go a long way in raising everyone's spirits. If you don't have any of your own, don't worry. This post will provide you with 27 of the funniest golf jokes of all time.
The Best Golf Jokes of All Time
1. “What should you do if your golf round is interrupted by a storm of lightning? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head because even Mother Nature can't hit a 1-iron.”
2. “Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them wherever they go? In case they one day get a hole in one.”
3. “A guy on vacation finishes his round and goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says to the man, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.” “You're welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?” The man: “Easily. All I did was walk to the end of the fairways, and there they were!”
4. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” – Mark Twain
5. “Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.”
6. “Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course!”
7. A man's wife says, “You spend way too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day that we got married?” The man: “Of course I do, honey! It was the exact same day I sank that 45-foot putt.”
8. “What is the difference between a golfer who lies and a fisherman who lies? When a golfer lies, he does not have to bring anything home to prove it.”
9. “The average golfer walks about one hundred and fifty kilometers and drinks four litres of alcohol each year. What this means is golfers get about 38 km to the litre.”
10. “Golf is a game where you yell ‘fore, shoot six, and write down five.” – Harold Coffin
11. “Question: What do you call a lion playing golf? Answer: Roarin’ McIlroy”
12. A child was at her first golf lesson when she asked a unique question: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” Her instructor: “P-U-T-T is correct. P-U-T means to place something where you want it, while P-U-T-T merely indicates a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
13. After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had overheard the old guys talking about their golf game went to the club pro and said, “I have been playing golf for a long time and I thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what in the world is a rider?” The pro: “A rider is simply when you hit the ball far enough to actually be able to get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
14. What's the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer? Bad golfers go, “Wack… Damn!” and bad skydivers go, “Damn… Whack!”
15. “You think my golfing is improving..? Yes, you miss a lot closer now.”
16. “Why couldn't Cinderella play golf..? Because she always runs away from the ball.”
17. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked sadly up the 18th. He looked at his caddie, shook his head, and said, “I've played so terribly all day long, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake over there.” The caddie, as quick as ever, replied, “I'm not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
18. A man walks through the front door of his house, clearly exasperated. “I had a horrible round today,” he told his wife. “Uh oh! What happened, honey?” she replied. “Well,” he said, “I only ever hit two good balls all day long — and that was when I stepped on a rake.”
19. “I have a tip that will take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer
20. “What did one golf ball say to the other..? See you round.”
21. “The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball is directly in front of me.”
22. John was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. John asked the golf pro “What do you think of my game?” The pro: “You should shorten your clubs by one inch.” John asked if the pro thought this would help his game. To which the pro said, “No! It will just help them fit in the trash can better!”
23. A young man with a couple of hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries to the golf course and plays very fast, he can probably get in nine holes before he has to head home.
Right as he is about to tee off, an old gentleman walks onto the tee and asks if he can join him for the round. Although worried this will slow him down, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quite quickly.
He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes as straight as an arrow. Furthermore, the old man moves along the course without wasting any time at all. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man finds himself facing a tough shot.
A large pine tree sits right in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After a couple minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says to him, “You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree with ease.”
With the challenge before him, the young man swings as hard as he can, hits the golf ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around for a bit, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man with a sly smile, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
24. An ardent golfer dies one day and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man that he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.
Before entering, the man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?”
“I'm truly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but that's the one thing we don't have here.”
The man turns and decides that he will try his luck in hell. On the road to hell, he meets up with the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.
“Right this way, sir,” says the devil, “the absolute finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.”
The golfer looks around in pleasure and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides that he'd rather spend eternity here than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package of hell.
“So,” he says to the devil, “why don't you go fetch me some clubs and balls and I'll have the best game of my after-life.” The devil responds, “I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any.”
“What?” says the man. “No golf balls or golf clubs for a fine course like this?” “No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “that's the hell of it.”
25. Golf: A 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
26. An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. One day, he decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, makes a swing, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds.
He shakes his head in frustration, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one right down the center of the fairway.
With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the United States, we call that a mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?” After a moment of silence and looking at one another, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
27. A golfer was having a terrible round – 32-over par for the front nine alone with tons of golf balls being lost in the water, rough, or fescue. As he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, his caddie coughed, causing him to lose it.
“You've got to be the absolute worst caddie in the entire world!” he yelled.
“I highly doubt it,” replied the caddie, deadpan. “That would be way too much of a coincidence.”
28. A weekend warrior was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated. On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green, and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?” “Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
Recap: 27 Hilarious Golf Jokes to Use on the Course
There you have it: 27 of the funniest golf jokes to try out on the golf course the next time you or your playing partners are having a bad round.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any thrown clubs, insults, or mean stares that occur if/when you use these jokes. Always remember to be cognizant of your friends' attitudes and use these jokes appropriately.
What do you think? Did you enjoy this post? Did I miss anything? What are some of your favorite golf jokes? Let me know in the comments below!
Jeff is a current Harvard student and author of the blog Financial Pupil who is passionate about learning, living, and sharing all things personal finance-related. He has experience working in the financial industry and enjoys the pursuit of financial freedom. Outside of blogging, he loves to cook, read, and golf in his spare time.