Nicole Kidman reached the top of her profession in 2003 and discovered that the view from there could still feel painfully empty.
The actor won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, but she now says the celebration behind one of the defining photographs of her career did not match what she was experiencing privately.
“I was beyond lonely,” Kidman said during the Sept. 10 episode of Therapuss with Jake Shane. “I had the pinnacle of my success, and I went home and was so lonely.”
The win came two years after her divorce from Tom Cruise. Looking back more than two decades later, Kidman said the absence of a partner to share the achievement with became impossible to ignore, leading to one of the most profound realizations of the night, “I’ve got to get a life.”
Kidman Wanted Someone to Share the Oscar With
Kidman’s parents were with her at the 75th Academy Awards, but the relationship she found herself missing was a romantic one. “I had my mom with me and my dad, but I was like, ‘Where’s my partner, someone that I can share this with?’” Kidman recalled, according to PEOPLE.
The contradiction was difficult for her to process. Kidman was holding what she called “the highest sort of prize you can get in our industry,” yet said she felt both deeply grateful and intensely lonely at the same time.
Asked to reduce her emotional state during that period to one word, Kidman chose “weird.” She also remembered wishing she could simply be wrapped in someone’s arms and experience something that felt separate from the professional achievement surrounding her.
The Oscar Came Two Years After Her Divorce From Tom Cruise
Kidman and Cruise married in 1990 and divorced in 2001. Two years later, she arrived at the Oscars after one of the strongest stretches of her career.
The Academy’s official record lists Kidman as the 2003 Best Actress winner for The Hours. The film received nine nominations overall, including Best Picture, directing and acting nominations for Ed Harris and Julianne Moore, but Kidman’s award was its only win.
Her performance as Virginia Woolf followed another Best Actress nomination one year earlier for Moulin Rouge!, as well as major roles in films including The Others.
She Had Already Revealed How Quickly the Celebration Ended
In author Dave Karger’s 2024 book 50 Oscar Nights, she said her professional life was thriving while she was “struggling” personally. She also recalled initially wanting to skip the Vanity Fair Oscar party. Kidman felt uncomfortable with the tradition of walking through the celebration carrying the statuette because it struck her as too much like showing off.
She ultimately attended, but said she was “completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking” and did not enjoy herself. Kidman later said she wished she had been able to enjoy the night more.
The celebration ended far more quietly than the photographs suggested. Kidman said she returned to the Beverly Hills Hotel, ordered a burger and fries and ate on the floor with her family. Kidman said she was in bed alone before midnight.
That was when another version of the same realization hit her. “I need to find my love; I need a love in my life,” she remembered thinking. “Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.’”